Feeling low

This is a bit of a poor me whinge, which I wouldn't normally do but I am feeling really low at the moment.  Hopefully getting typing it will get it out of my head and end up being cathartic.

I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere, like everything is against me. I had planned to work on Sunday, I couldn't log in to my client's server as it was offline. I got up early Monday morning to get some work done and ended up with more of the same IT issues. I lost 3 more hours of work time.

I can't concentrate or keep the house tidy or get myself to bed on time or remember anything. I just feel like somebody has taken my brain and left just an empty shell.

I spent 2 hours yesterday working on something that turned out to be my misunderstanding, and when I started work today I found another mistake I'd made yesterday and had to take time to fix it all up.

I washed G's sheets and mattress protector on the weekend and hung all her blankets out to air in the sun. Made the bed last night and she wet it. So the first thing I had to do this morning was wash the sheets and mattress protector, the same ones I did on the weekend. It's so frustrating. She's 9 and she is getting better at not wetting at night. I have to keep reminding myself that this time last year she was wetting every single night so once every second week is a big improvement. But still so frustrating.

Then she pulled out her shoes from the school trip yesterday and they were caked in mud. So I had to wash them and it's stormy/raining today and predicted to tomorrow as well so they'll take several days to dry.

Got to my lunch break today and I opened the connecting door between the garage and the house and a blackbird flew into the house. It likes to sneak into the garage and eat the biscuits out of the cat's bowl (garage door was open) and I must have startled it. It flew through the lounge leaving a trail of shit on the carpet and walls. Then I spent a while trying to coax it out the sliding door. So my lunch break was spent cleaning bird shit off the inside of my house.

I've been trying to set up my own business as an accountant but if I want to file tax returns on my client's behalves then I need to become a tax agent. That means that instead of having to file a tax return in July, people have till the following March to file. To be a tax agent you have to have at least 10 people signed up who need tax returns done. It's taken me a while to get there as convincing people to sign up with me when I'm not a tax agent and don't have that extension of time till March hasn't been easy. I can't properly run my business without tax agent status, but getting it is challenging because of the minimum client requirement.

I finally got to the 10 client threshold and applied a few weeks ago. IRD rang this morning and said they don't want to accept two of my people as they may not have to file tax returns this year (individuals don't have to file tax returns in this country except in certain circumstances). I think (hope) I have convinced the person I spoke to from IRD that I have other clients lined up to sign with me (not a lie, I have at least 2 more, with a possibility of more) as soon as tax agency is sorted. But again I feel so frustrated that I can't advertise and get clients till I have it but the IRD won't give it to me unless I have clients.

I've got lists a mile long of things to do but things keep popping up and then I spend all my time fire fighting instead of working through the list. I have this weird dichotomy where my brain feels like I'm on overdrive but I also feel like I'm moving through lead. Sigh. Must get back to work I guess.

Musings

I do not tolerate this low mood well. First I want to know what’s causing it, what can be done, how to fix myself. I am motivated at first. I keep busy. I read a lot and go to bed on time and get up on time. The fog deepens and my enjoyment seeps away. I make more effort to spot beauty in every day moments, notice the lone white rose growing on the otherwise barren roadside rose bush, the bird song, the things that make me smile. But each lift is brief, and bittersweet. Like patches of colour on a black and white photo. I feel like I’m missing something. The theories I’ve read should fit together in some way but, the puzzle has been tipped on its end and I can’t see the picture. I feel my failure to slot this together keenly. I would just get better if I tried harder, thought more, was smarter and nicer and all the ‘ers' that aren’t me. 

Perhaps the irony is that I know the harder I try the less likely I am to succeed. The trying puts pressure on me to find the right response. I analyse and overthink instead of using my gut. Last week I had some flow, not a lot, just small patches where I had confidence in myself and trusted my innate creativity to come up with the right path. But knowing it was there makes me push for it, which in turn makes it slip out of my grasp. My brain goes round and round, percolating on ideas and theories of how to solve my chronic health issues, my mental health problems, deal with my ASD and my child’s. As I twist the ideas, trying to pull them together with a common thread, my brain works harder and harder. 

I am started to feel pelted with ideas. I could start this project, do this painting, build this shelf, tidy this up, move this here, get rid of that and buy this. Is this healthy? Am I producing too much waste? Is my heart ok? Is my child doing ok at school? Am I lonely? Will I ever be able to buy a house? Do I want to? Should I buy new socks or would that be wasteful if my other ones don’t have holes but are uncomfortable? Where’s the best place to get socks?.... and on and on about every topic. I feel overwhelmed and then suddenly unable to make even small choices, about what to wear and eat and when to go to bed. And suddenly I’m back to the beginning where I’m not getting enough sleep or exercise or taking care of myself or my house. Then I have to pull it back and start again. Find the motivation to go to bed early and practice my self care. 

Underlying all that is a pervading sense of failure each time the cycle repeats. This time I’ll be consistent. This time I’ll do better. I’ll make sure I don’t fail. And the ever present thoughts of what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even sustain the most basic things for longer than a week.