I know I've already posted tonight but I really wanted to write an update to my depression post last week.
I have been having a really hard time in the last couple of weeks, first with stress and anxiety and now feeling depressed and being unwell with some sort of virus. Work has been hard for various reasons, I've had to take my cat to the vet, we have a problem with the hot water at home, my daughter has a virus causing a full body rash, she's wet the bed every night...the list goes on. Shit happens in life, and it happens to all of us.
When I wrote my last post on depression I didn't really think about who would read it or what your actions would be. All I wanted to do was give some insight into what being depressed looks like. That's its not always the sterotype image of someone clutching their head in their hands and crying. I know I have friends out there who also stuggle, and one of my motivations is to make sure they know they are not alone. That no matter how together someone might look from the outside, we all have our own challenges.
I also find it incredibly hard to ask anyone for anything. One of the things that always gets said when there is general talk in the media or on social media about New Zealand's terrible suicide rate (we are world number 1 for youth suicide - 16 young people per 100,000 die by suicide every year), is that we should make sure people know they can ask for help. Yes, by all means make sure they know there is help available, but making that leap to asking for it is something that I am only just begining to learn how to do, and I'm nearly 20 years older than some of those teens going through this.
I don't know what the answer is, all I know is that I am grateful for the wonderful friends and family I have. Friends like Mrs W, who came over with lunch on Monday bearing a box of food, fruit and eggs so it wouldn't matter if I couldn't go to the supermarket. Or like the people who messaged me and asked how I was, and S who invited me on a bike ride. And my amazing Mum who delivered 3 meals worth of soup, plus scones and french bread for me. My Mum and my sister helped me do dishes and sort/fold/put away washing, my Mum tidied Little G's room and my Dad cooked me dinner. One of Little G's friend's Mums has looked after her for me. I didn't expect the help and support I received but I am incredibly grateful to all of you for your thoughtfulness.
Thank you, thank you, arohanui (much love)
Thursday, 15 June 2017
Unconscious thought, Freud and me
I have been reading about unconscious bias recently, and the way it reinforces what we already believe in. Unconscious bias makes us tend to like people who think the same way we do, who have similar backgrounds and upbringings, and even look the way we do. This has a number of effects on how we view the world.
Bias shapes our world view because it provides a shortcut for our brains when receiving and reviewing new information. If we immediately disregard anything that doesn't fit with what we already know or what feels familiar to us, then over time we develop a narrower world view. We will get less exposure to ideas, to different ways of life, to different situations. Our ability to have empathy for people diminishes if we can't imagine ourselves in the situations they find themselves in.
I became interested in what my own unconscious biases were when I realised after reading information about the subject, that just declaring you were open and tolerant of others wasn't enough to actually override the effect of bias on your thinking. I could tell myself all I liked that I didn't discriminate against certain groups but that didn't make it true. And in fact, all the reading I was doing was really reinforcing my unconscious bias as I was subconsciously filtering what I chose to read, and the information I was retaining.
Then I asked myself why I really cared about it at all. Why did I need to think about how I was thinking? I got stuck on this concept for a number of days, wondering why I cared about what my unconscious beliefs were. Sometimes when I have an idea that fascinates me I get obsessed with it, research it to death and read everything I can about it. But this one felt just out of my reach, like I couldn't quite grasp something really important about it. I couldn't even begin to narrow down a definition of what was in my head so I could type something in a search engine.
I put it down for a bit, got side tracked in other things as I tend to do. I happened across a blog post about transference which is where "we unconsciously transfer feelings and attitudes from a person of situation in the past on to a person or situation in the present". Basically, when a person or situation reminds you of something else you transfer some of the feelings you have about the original person or situation on to the new one. I was fascinated by this, in part because of the link between these unconscious thoughts and the unconscious bias idea I had been trying to get my head around. In both of these phenomena the mind is taking what we have learnt in the past and applying it to the present, effectively creating a shortcut for thinking. This sets up a situation where we learn something and then potentially perpetually recreate and reinforce it.
I started to get really excited by the idea that all these things could be impacting on the way I see and react with the world and I am not even aware of any of it. I looked up Sigmund Freud who is the founding father of psychoanalysis - a type of therapy in which transference plays an important role in making the unconscious conscious.
One of the first things that came up a picture of Freud's unconscious mind model, in which he used an iceberg to describe the three levels of mind. The tip of the iceberg is shown as the conscious mind, which is all the thoughts and mental processes we are aware of. The pre-conscious is the "working memory" type area of the brain, and then the unconscious mind, the bit of the ice berg well under water, is everything that we are not conscious of that influences thoughts, attitudes, processes, feelings and behaviour. Freud believed that our feelings, motives and decisions are influenced by past experiences and this is stored in the unconscious. While I don't agree with all of Freud's work, I do believe, as he did, that more of behaviour is governed by the unconscious mind that we realise.
And by putting all this together I had my answer. I cared about unconscious bias, and about situations of transference, and my core beliefs, because I am trying to change my pattern of behaviour. BPD is marked by (among other things) patterns of instability in mood, behaviour, self image and functioning. I need to be aware of the unconscious thoughts and beliefs my brain is holding in order to disrupt the pattern and then change it.
Therapy has allowed me to look at this by working backwards - from the action such as impulsive or suicidal behaviour, back to the thought patterns and then back further to the trigger for those thoughts. But by also trying to uncover the unconscious core thoughts and beliefs held by my brain I should be able to work on changing them before I am triggered.
So I have decided to see if I can discover what my unconscious thoughts and biases are. Hopefully this will help me discover more about my patterns and how I can change them to bring more stability to my life.
Ka Kite Ano
Bias shapes our world view because it provides a shortcut for our brains when receiving and reviewing new information. If we immediately disregard anything that doesn't fit with what we already know or what feels familiar to us, then over time we develop a narrower world view. We will get less exposure to ideas, to different ways of life, to different situations. Our ability to have empathy for people diminishes if we can't imagine ourselves in the situations they find themselves in.
I became interested in what my own unconscious biases were when I realised after reading information about the subject, that just declaring you were open and tolerant of others wasn't enough to actually override the effect of bias on your thinking. I could tell myself all I liked that I didn't discriminate against certain groups but that didn't make it true. And in fact, all the reading I was doing was really reinforcing my unconscious bias as I was subconsciously filtering what I chose to read, and the information I was retaining.
Then I asked myself why I really cared about it at all. Why did I need to think about how I was thinking? I got stuck on this concept for a number of days, wondering why I cared about what my unconscious beliefs were. Sometimes when I have an idea that fascinates me I get obsessed with it, research it to death and read everything I can about it. But this one felt just out of my reach, like I couldn't quite grasp something really important about it. I couldn't even begin to narrow down a definition of what was in my head so I could type something in a search engine.
I put it down for a bit, got side tracked in other things as I tend to do. I happened across a blog post about transference which is where "we unconsciously transfer feelings and attitudes from a person of situation in the past on to a person or situation in the present". Basically, when a person or situation reminds you of something else you transfer some of the feelings you have about the original person or situation on to the new one. I was fascinated by this, in part because of the link between these unconscious thoughts and the unconscious bias idea I had been trying to get my head around. In both of these phenomena the mind is taking what we have learnt in the past and applying it to the present, effectively creating a shortcut for thinking. This sets up a situation where we learn something and then potentially perpetually recreate and reinforce it.
I started to get really excited by the idea that all these things could be impacting on the way I see and react with the world and I am not even aware of any of it. I looked up Sigmund Freud who is the founding father of psychoanalysis - a type of therapy in which transference plays an important role in making the unconscious conscious.
One of the first things that came up a picture of Freud's unconscious mind model, in which he used an iceberg to describe the three levels of mind. The tip of the iceberg is shown as the conscious mind, which is all the thoughts and mental processes we are aware of. The pre-conscious is the "working memory" type area of the brain, and then the unconscious mind, the bit of the ice berg well under water, is everything that we are not conscious of that influences thoughts, attitudes, processes, feelings and behaviour. Freud believed that our feelings, motives and decisions are influenced by past experiences and this is stored in the unconscious. While I don't agree with all of Freud's work, I do believe, as he did, that more of behaviour is governed by the unconscious mind that we realise.
And by putting all this together I had my answer. I cared about unconscious bias, and about situations of transference, and my core beliefs, because I am trying to change my pattern of behaviour. BPD is marked by (among other things) patterns of instability in mood, behaviour, self image and functioning. I need to be aware of the unconscious thoughts and beliefs my brain is holding in order to disrupt the pattern and then change it.
Therapy has allowed me to look at this by working backwards - from the action such as impulsive or suicidal behaviour, back to the thought patterns and then back further to the trigger for those thoughts. But by also trying to uncover the unconscious core thoughts and beliefs held by my brain I should be able to work on changing them before I am triggered.
So I have decided to see if I can discover what my unconscious thoughts and biases are. Hopefully this will help me discover more about my patterns and how I can change them to bring more stability to my life.
Ka Kite Ano
Wednesday, 7 June 2017
Depression
This is the not the post I expected or even wanted to be writing tonight. In fact, I am halfway through writing on a completely different topic, which I had intentions of finishing tonight.
But here I am. And that's because I'm struggling with my depression again. I knew it was coming. I could feel it in me waters (as Kath from 'Kath and Kim' used to say). It has a pattern which I can recognise now. Not necessarily do anything about, but recognise.
Over the last few weeks my anxiety has built up. Every time I feel my anxiety getting worse I wonder what brings it on and this time has been no exception. There are always events in my personal life, little and bigger things which seem to have a larger impact on me than they would on other people. That's part of my BPD - limited ability to deal with the stressors of everyday life. I feel everything at 1000% so something that's small to someone else is magnified for me. And those events buffet me back and forth like the strong wind toying with a small sailboat.
This time, as with all the other times, I started trying to shore myself up. Increasing the exercise, making sure I had books to read and an art project or two to keep myself occupied. I joined the gym because one of my theories was that high intensity exercise would help manage my need for endorphins, which is what was driving my cutting behaviour.
My stress at work increased and my insomnia returned. I know what's coming, I can feel it, I can almost see the black cloud about to engulf me. I can't shake off the overwhelming, crushing, defeated feeling I have when I am not making head way with my work. I have so much on that I can't prioritise effectively, and I know I'm not spending my energy in the right places. I should be able to handle things, I know what needs to be done and I've no urgent deadlines so no need to stress. But my anxiety is making me feel sick every time I think about meeting a client or picking up a file. I want to double check myself every time I make a decision but I am aware of time pressure - the more time something takes the more cost on the client's bill. So I force myself to go with my instincts. I force myself to walk into each meeting with a smile on my face and pretend the confidence I wish I had.
Things get worse though. I know how important sleep is to my wellness. My basic wellness plan for when things are starting to get bad is eat good food, drink water, get exercise and get enough sleep. When these things start to fall that's when I know the darkness is creeping over my last line of defence.
I go to bed on time. I cook nutritious dinners (though I do eat chocolate afterwards...). I make it to the gym four times a week. I am completely exhausted. But when I go to bed at night I lie there wide awake. Not thinking anything in particular, but not sleeping either. When I do fall asleep I roll around restlessly all night long, unable to get into a deep sleep.
The less sleep I get the more cranky and depressive I am. Everything makes me want to yell and hit and stomp around, or put the covers back over my head. Sometimes both.
Slow driver? Cue road rage from me. Child not picking anything up or putting it away? Cue yelling from me about irresponsibility and how I should throw it all away. Someone makes a mistake? More rage from me about imbeciles who can't engage their brains. I park too close to one side of the garage or the other? I'm an idiot who can't get anything right.
I went to the gym after work yesterday hoping the endorphins would kick in and I would feel slightly better, or at least tired enough for a deep sleep. All that happened was that I was too tired to go and get milk and bread, so we had nothing for breakfast this morning.
The cupboards are bare because I haven't done any grocery shopping. My child is a chronic bed wetter and there are piles of washed laundry on the floor in the lounge as they have fallen from the chair they were on. There is washing hanging on a clothes airer in the lounge and washing on another line in the garage. There's more washing to be washed in a pile by the washing machine, and in a pile in the corner of the bedroom (just to be clear - everything with pee on it is washed every day - it's the other stuff that piles up around it). My kitchen bench is full of dishes, the bin is full, the bathroom needs cleaning, the vacuuming needs doing and paperwork for the last two months is spilling out of the mail rack.
I am hiding from everyone and everything and all I wanted to do this morning was put the covers over my head and close my eyes. I have no desire to do anything. TV doesn't interest me. I can't be bothered reading or drawing. I don't want to go to the gym or talk to anyone. Every day I get up and pretend to be a person. I slap on the face I show to the world which says "I'm doing ok" and I go to work.
Then at night, when I am tired and my defences are down, thoughts like why bother and I'm no use to anyone creep in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. The depression is just asking me what the point in trying is. When I'm like this and life seems so endless and grey and hopeless, I can't remember the feeling of happiness. Intellectually I know that I was, and it was only a few short weeks ago. But the memory of what that feels like is gone.
So one of the ways I try and remind myself is singing. When I am feeling happier I sing along to my favourite songs. I know it sounds odd, corny even. But my most reliable measure of depression is whether I am singing in the car. If my favourite songs come on and I don't hum along or sing then I know I'm in deep. But I can remind myself what being happy is like by remembering when I have sung. Turning up the music and connecting to it by singing releases something in me.
This is another thing I have stumbled on to by accident but it is apparently used with dementia patients as our brains are hard wired to connect music with long term memory and deep emotional recall. You can read more about this here.
So, I wanted to share this with you all so you can get a sense of what depression can look like. And for those of you with depression, who are also struggling, you are not alone.
The good thing about knowing this was coming was knowing that it will end. After the stress and the anxiety comes the depression, and then it will pass. That doesn't make it any easier, or suck any less, but it will pass. Hold on till it does.
Kia Kaha
But here I am. And that's because I'm struggling with my depression again. I knew it was coming. I could feel it in me waters (as Kath from 'Kath and Kim' used to say). It has a pattern which I can recognise now. Not necessarily do anything about, but recognise.
Over the last few weeks my anxiety has built up. Every time I feel my anxiety getting worse I wonder what brings it on and this time has been no exception. There are always events in my personal life, little and bigger things which seem to have a larger impact on me than they would on other people. That's part of my BPD - limited ability to deal with the stressors of everyday life. I feel everything at 1000% so something that's small to someone else is magnified for me. And those events buffet me back and forth like the strong wind toying with a small sailboat.
This time, as with all the other times, I started trying to shore myself up. Increasing the exercise, making sure I had books to read and an art project or two to keep myself occupied. I joined the gym because one of my theories was that high intensity exercise would help manage my need for endorphins, which is what was driving my cutting behaviour.
My stress at work increased and my insomnia returned. I know what's coming, I can feel it, I can almost see the black cloud about to engulf me. I can't shake off the overwhelming, crushing, defeated feeling I have when I am not making head way with my work. I have so much on that I can't prioritise effectively, and I know I'm not spending my energy in the right places. I should be able to handle things, I know what needs to be done and I've no urgent deadlines so no need to stress. But my anxiety is making me feel sick every time I think about meeting a client or picking up a file. I want to double check myself every time I make a decision but I am aware of time pressure - the more time something takes the more cost on the client's bill. So I force myself to go with my instincts. I force myself to walk into each meeting with a smile on my face and pretend the confidence I wish I had.
Things get worse though. I know how important sleep is to my wellness. My basic wellness plan for when things are starting to get bad is eat good food, drink water, get exercise and get enough sleep. When these things start to fall that's when I know the darkness is creeping over my last line of defence.
I go to bed on time. I cook nutritious dinners (though I do eat chocolate afterwards...). I make it to the gym four times a week. I am completely exhausted. But when I go to bed at night I lie there wide awake. Not thinking anything in particular, but not sleeping either. When I do fall asleep I roll around restlessly all night long, unable to get into a deep sleep.
The less sleep I get the more cranky and depressive I am. Everything makes me want to yell and hit and stomp around, or put the covers back over my head. Sometimes both.
Slow driver? Cue road rage from me. Child not picking anything up or putting it away? Cue yelling from me about irresponsibility and how I should throw it all away. Someone makes a mistake? More rage from me about imbeciles who can't engage their brains. I park too close to one side of the garage or the other? I'm an idiot who can't get anything right.
I went to the gym after work yesterday hoping the endorphins would kick in and I would feel slightly better, or at least tired enough for a deep sleep. All that happened was that I was too tired to go and get milk and bread, so we had nothing for breakfast this morning.
The cupboards are bare because I haven't done any grocery shopping. My child is a chronic bed wetter and there are piles of washed laundry on the floor in the lounge as they have fallen from the chair they were on. There is washing hanging on a clothes airer in the lounge and washing on another line in the garage. There's more washing to be washed in a pile by the washing machine, and in a pile in the corner of the bedroom (just to be clear - everything with pee on it is washed every day - it's the other stuff that piles up around it). My kitchen bench is full of dishes, the bin is full, the bathroom needs cleaning, the vacuuming needs doing and paperwork for the last two months is spilling out of the mail rack.
I am hiding from everyone and everything and all I wanted to do this morning was put the covers over my head and close my eyes. I have no desire to do anything. TV doesn't interest me. I can't be bothered reading or drawing. I don't want to go to the gym or talk to anyone. Every day I get up and pretend to be a person. I slap on the face I show to the world which says "I'm doing ok" and I go to work.
Then at night, when I am tired and my defences are down, thoughts like why bother and I'm no use to anyone creep in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. The depression is just asking me what the point in trying is. When I'm like this and life seems so endless and grey and hopeless, I can't remember the feeling of happiness. Intellectually I know that I was, and it was only a few short weeks ago. But the memory of what that feels like is gone.
So one of the ways I try and remind myself is singing. When I am feeling happier I sing along to my favourite songs. I know it sounds odd, corny even. But my most reliable measure of depression is whether I am singing in the car. If my favourite songs come on and I don't hum along or sing then I know I'm in deep. But I can remind myself what being happy is like by remembering when I have sung. Turning up the music and connecting to it by singing releases something in me.
This is another thing I have stumbled on to by accident but it is apparently used with dementia patients as our brains are hard wired to connect music with long term memory and deep emotional recall. You can read more about this here.
So, I wanted to share this with you all so you can get a sense of what depression can look like. And for those of you with depression, who are also struggling, you are not alone.
The good thing about knowing this was coming was knowing that it will end. After the stress and the anxiety comes the depression, and then it will pass. That doesn't make it any easier, or suck any less, but it will pass. Hold on till it does.
Kia Kaha
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