Opening post - introductions, dementia and death

So...this is my first post. I didn't intend to start a blog tonight. I had to sign up because Little G's homework included her commenting on one of her classmate's blogs. I've always wanted to have a go myself so here I am.


A little bit about myself and my life would probably be in order right now I guess. I'm a single mother in my 30's with one daughter (Little G) age 8, who is the light of my life. I have a busy professional job and I work full time. I also have severe recurrent major depressive disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Aspergers. Little G has multiple diagnoses including ASD (the modern term for Aspergers), auditory processing disorder, anxiety, hypermobility of almost all her joints, mild low muscle tone, and sensory processing disorder. She's also gifted, with an IQ in the range of 145 - 150.

As well as my professional job I dabble in art when I have the time. I am current trying arcrylic and coloured pencil, but prefer detailed pencil portraits. I've also worked in watercolour. Tonight I am working on an arcrylic of a river scene. The painting's got to that awkward stage where it looks ugly and I want to give up so I've put it down for a bit. Usually that just means the detail needs to go on and it will start looking a bit more like what it's meant to.

On a different topic entirely, my grandmother died in December and Little G and I went down (travelled about 5 hours in the car) to the internment of the ashes in the weekend just been. Unlike her death and funeral it was just so hard for me to feel any emotion. The plaque is nice, and its nice to have something in memorial to her and my granddad, but I couldn't really feel attached to it at all. Once the body is ashes it loses its meaning for me. I think maybe because it's so at odds with my memories of her that my brain can't really process that the box of ashes is what's left of her.

My gran died of dementia which is such a cruel illness. Last year wasn't a great year for my family. January my Dad's Dad died of Alzheimer's and December my Mum's Mum died of dementia. Poppa had been going downhill for a long time and suffered several bouts of pneumonia, and then he lost the ability to form words and speak. After that it wasn't that long before he couldn't swallow and he had no control over most of his muscles. It was pretty horrifying sitting there watching his eyes roll back up in his head constantly and his mouth hang open and then keep snapping shut. His mouth had to be swabbed regularly to keep getting some moisture into him because he couldn't swallow. And of course all his dignity was long gone as bowel and bladder control was one of the first things to go, after his memory. It's just such a sad thing to sit there with someone who once commanded troops, ran a thriving business, had a dairy farm and five boys, and all the rest, and watch him essentially lose every function he'd gained since the day he was conceived.

My Gran's demise was just as horrifying but in slightly different ways. She had been in secure dementia care for about 3 years (my Poppa was also in secure care), and fell and broke her hip back in about July/August. From there she gave up the will to live. Going into hospital frightened her and she refused to take pain relief or even to eat or drink. She would not do the physio or get up out of bed and try to walk. The pain confused her because she could not understand that's what the feeling was, or associate taking pain relief medication with expecting to feel better. She just knew there were feelings, she didn't like them, so she wanted to be left alone because she was scared and confused. Once back at her care home she never really left her bed. She refused food and drink and her insides started basically breaking down. She took sips of water after a bit, and the odd teaspoon of icecream, but she could go days without anything. She started hallucinating. Sometimes her speech was clear and her legs would move around involuntarily (something to do with twitching because of the minerals leeching from her system). Sometimes she barely opened her eyes and her speech was garbled and unintelligible.

I never realised how long you could go without food and water if you are taking a few sips and mouthfuls here and there. Gran lasted roughly 2 -2.5 months of just a little food and water, and then about a week of none.

The end was so sad. We were chatting to her and each other around her bedside. The whole family were there - her 3 kids, her son-in-law & daughter-in-law, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. We took turns sitting by her and stroking her hand. Then her breathing changed and stopped. Just like that she was gone. Suddenly there is just a body and no person in it. It's a bizzare feeling, knowing that even though they are right there in front of you they will never open their eyes or say anything to you again. 

Anyway, enough about death. I didn't start writing tonight with the intention of telling my grandparents' stories but it feels cathartic. There is plenty of other things I'd like to say about dementia, death and my grandparents but I'll leave it with this little picture.