Emo has had a couple of bad weeks and on Friday I had to make the decision to put her down, and I booked the appointment for today (Sunday). Yesterday (Saturday) she had a really bad morning, one of the worst she's had. She wandered around agitated and upset, crying. We could hear her in the back yard and Little G went out to find her and bring her in - there's no point calling her as she'd become completely deaf recently. Emo was up on the trampoline, which she used to do all the time but hasn't for a while. She was stuck, lost, inside the safety netting, unable to find the door she'd come through. Even after G picked her up and brought her in she continued to wander and cry, and she was looking straight through us as though she had no idea who we were. I knew then that I had made the right choice. She was confused and distressed and it was so upsetting for all of us (me, G and the cat).
However, after a few hours she settled a bit and the rest of the day she followed me from room to room, interested as always in what I was doing. G and I treated her to lots of pats and cuddles, milk (she loved milk but it was a rare treat) and some puree treats she loved. In the afternoon I brushed her which she loved and she purred and purred. Then I had G help me try and get some paw prints from her.
The paw prints were an absolute disaster. I used non toxic tempura paint and though she was initially relatively co-operative, I couldn't get a clear print on the paper. Many of them were just paint splodges. Her patience ran out after a short time while G and I persevered, trying to get a good print. Then we discovered all three of us were stuck in the bathroom! We'd been having trouble with the bathroom door handle and while we were in there it latched and jammed. So after a bit of a kerfuffle G unlatched the security stay and I had to climb out the window.
Emo took it all in her stride, laying on the handtowel that had fallen on the floor and relaxing while G and I maneuvered ourselves. She was always happiest when she was with us, no matter what we were doing. My Dad came over and took the handle off and door jamb out and freed Emo and G. None of the paw prints are exactly perfect and many have bits of cat fur stuck to them, but they are from her and we will treasure them. It was certainly an experience I won't forget.
Her usual wandering and crying at dinner time and into the evening didn't manifest itself last night and we were able to enjoy cuddles with her on the couch. After a night spent cuddled up with me in my bed, I started to question whether we needed to let go of her so soon and was very close to cancelling. I mentioned this to Little G and she said something I thought was very wise - that she was upset a lot and very confused and was not going to get better. And that if we put it off today we would only be prolonging the decision, wondering if this week she was worse and we should do it now.
It was so hard to spend our last morning with her, knowing we were taking her to the vet soon to end her life. She had her normal breakfast, plus milk and a puree treat. Then my Mum arrived and I told her I wanted to back out, that I didn't know if I could go through with it. She didn't want to advise me on what to do but told me the vet would know what was right.
So Emo got into the cage with her favourite blanket of G's and we drove to the vets. She was very quiet, no meows of distress at all. I expressed my concerns to the vet and she told me what Gabrielle had, that we would be back within a week to a month anyway, that Emo was declining and was experiencing significant distress. I couldn't put her through another month of confusion and distress to spare me and G the pain of putting her down, and I felt that would also be unfair to G (age 10) as I had mentally prepared her (and myself for the death).
The vet nurse and vet were very kind. We had one last cuddle and then we were patting her as she lay on the blanket she loved of G's. She was purring as she left this world.
My heart broke. I couldn't believe she was gone just like that. I wanted to hold and cuddle her some more and tell her how sorry I was and that everything was going to be alright, but it was too late. I hope that her purring meant that she knew what was happening and she was trying to tell us it was ok.
Coming home was awful. I expected to see her on the driveway, where she would wait for us and greet us when we got home. Or just inside the front door, where she often sat waiting. Or curled up on my bed in a patch of sunlight. But she wasn't there. Everywhere I look I see signs of her. Her special blankie. Her second favourite blankie. The footstool she loved to curl up on. Her toys and her bowl. Her water bowl in the base of the shower. I keep expecting to hear her claws tapping on the toilet door and her meowing for me while I'm in there. Or her to jump into the airing cupboard when I open the door, as she loved to curl up by the hot water cylinder. I went to hang washing out and there was no Emo following behind me and scratching in the garden or curling up in the shade in the dirt while she waited for me. I sat on the couch and there was no Emo next to me. My heart breaks every time I expect her to be somewhere and she's not there. I couldn't eat lunch because every day for the last two months I have sat outside on my chair and she's sat next to me while I've eaten, sometimes sharing yummy bits with me.
We went through photos of her on the computer. Over the last two years I have taken a lot of photos of her. Partly because it's easy on my iphone, the camera is always there. And partly because I started to sense our time with her was becoming limited and I wanted to capture every moment, every little quirk. She was at my side or G's a lot of the time - I have so many pictures to treasure of her cuddled up to my dearest daughter purring away, and sitting next to me on the couch or at my desk. She sat on my knee at my desk many days over winter while I worked from home, or on her cushion or on a blanket in the document destruction basket. While I have been off work for 2 months on ACC she has kept me company, both in bed and at my feet while I've pottered around the house.
She has been my best friend for such a long time that I can't picture my life without her in it. I miss her so much. I am so grateful for the time we had but I am overwhelmed with the pain of losing her. She was cute and cuddly, gentle and quirky, emotional sometimes (especially in the last few years) and she loved being around us. She has comforted me through some of the toughest times in my life, and celebrated the best ones. She gave her love unconditionally and she displayed that love for me and my daughter in so many ways. She will be forever in my heart and I am so grateful to her for sharing our lives. I love her so much and I know G does too. Many tears have been shed already and I am sure there are more to come, though I am not sure she would appreciate that. I will hold on to that memory of her purring at the end and hope that she knew how much we loved her and how hard it was to let her go.
I love you my darling Momo. Go gently into the light and know that we will miss you and love you so much.
Now I'm crYong for you Shel - Liz
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift for writing ...after reading your beautiful tribute I dont think anyone will have a dry eye. So sorry for your loss xx
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