On BPD, anger and depression

Things haven't been going too well for me mental health wise in the last couple of weeks. Having BPD makes it hard for me to control my emotions, and my highs and lows tend to be much greater. Couple that with a tendency towards depression, and an Aspie brain, and you can see why my mental health seems to be a roller coaster ride most of the time.

I refer to my lows as episodes, much like someone with bipolar probably would do. During a low I can be extremely depressed, suicidal, indulge in various self harming behaviours, angry, emotional, belligerent, argumentative, manipulative....you get the idea. It's not pleasant for me or for anyone around me and it does a whole lot of damage to my life which I have to try and repair when I am well again. It's also very frustrating for me, because often I am aware I am acting badly but lack the skills to do anything but react.

One of the things I have been struggling with most during this particular low is anger. Often having a low with strong anger as the dominant feeling means a depressive episode is on the way. This is because as the anger or rage causes me to do things that I regret, I start hating myself for being like this. This begins a cycle of thought about how I am not trying hard enough, people would be better off without me, I'm not good enough, I'm a horrible parent/family member/friend/person in general. Then leads on to thoughts of death and finally suicidal ideation. Occasionally I hallucinate if I get really emotionally fraught - I have gone for bush walks and thought I have seen bodies hanging in the trees. 

So the anger I have been feeling this time has scared me. I have had several severe major episodes in the last 3.5 years and every time it is a long hard journey to climb out of that hole and keep living. My daughter has been and continues to be my reason for living, for climbing out of bed every day even when things were at their worst. But returning to a place where you can see a future again and have a little hope takes a lot of hard work. Severe depression is unlike mild and moderate depression in that the traditional things that doctors recommend don't work, at least initially. No matter how much exercise, good food, quality sleep, social connection etc you get, your whole life basically falls into a pit of doom and you become unable to do the most basic of things for yourself. At my worst I couldn't read or watch TV because there was too much effort involved in concentrating and trying to understand the plot, and my ability to speak was severely impaired because I had trouble following conversation and forming opinion.

I think what I also find hard about anger as a dominant symptom of a low is that it makes me inclined to be extremely difficult to deal with as a patient. As much as I need help I will take offence to suggestions or instructions from my nursing case manager and my psychologist. I will feel like nothing anyone suggests is good enough and I will interpret attempts to help me as "people interfering" or them "telling me what to do". I vocalise this opinion to the people involved and I have been effectively fired as a patient by several psychiatrists and one psychologist for becoming angry and verbally agressive in appointments (just to clarify - I've never hurt anyone, just damaged the patient/therapist relationship).

I am currently receiving DBT therapy for my BPD and have made huge improvement in a number of areas. But anger still remains one of the emotions I find hardest to control. 

For whatever reason, this morning I woke feeling better than I have done in a while. Work was busy but not as stressful as it usually is, and after work Little G and I went to a local swimming pool. We bumped into friends and she played with their girls while I chatted to the mums, then Little G and I swam laps together. After dinner her and I walked to the dairy for an ice cream and sat in the park to eat them. Her and I sat in companionable silence and I tried to just be in the moment, enjoying the last of the evening sun and the taste of the ice cream and the company of my child. I think my peace is slowly starting to return. I am hoping that I hit the bottom of the low and because I am getting better at resisting self harming urges and limiting angry outbursts, it hasn't lasted as long as it normally would.

I'll leave you with the lyrics from one of my favourite Six60 songs, and in their words "Ain't it good to be alive?"  That might be a strange thing to say when I've just spent this post telling you the difficulties of mental illness, but I believe that I wouldn't be the person I was if I was not forced to face these challenges.

SIX60 LYRICS

"Only To Be"

Only to be, I live in expectancy
No wonder it feels like this wasn't meant for me
Though my mind is so confined
That there ain't no point in reasoning,
Now that it's clear to see,
It was all in front of me
And I'm right where I'm supposed to be

Yeah yea, I'll live just turning pages
Yeah, well I know that it's worth the ride
Ain't it good to be alive?

So what will it be?
My dreams are my company
To lose what is me,
I follow the path I see.
My mind is so confined
That I don't even know where to begin.
But it took me so long to find
That I can leave it all behind.
Cause I don't got everything I'd ever need

Yeah yea, I'll live just turning pages
Yeah, well I know that it's worth the ride
Ain't it good to be alive?

Cause only to be,
Was all that you've got from me
You told me it's real,
And nothing comes easily.
Cause that was the truth, I was losing all my youth
To a world that's fit for someone else

Yeah, I'll live just turning pages
Yeah, well I know that it's worth the ride
Yeah, I'll live just turning pages, yeah
Yeah, but I know it was worth the ride
Ain't it good to be alive?