Depression

This is the not the post I expected or even wanted to be writing tonight. In fact, I am halfway through writing on a completely different topic, which I had intentions of finishing tonight.

But here I am. And that's because I'm struggling with my depression again. I knew it was coming. I could feel it in me waters (as Kath from 'Kath and Kim' used to say). It has a pattern which I can recognise now. Not necessarily do anything about, but recognise.

Over the last few weeks my anxiety has built up. Every time I feel my anxiety getting worse I wonder what brings it on and this time has been no exception. There are always events in my personal life, little and bigger things which seem to have a larger impact on me than they would on other people. That's part of my BPD - limited ability to deal with the stressors of everyday life. I feel everything at 1000% so something that's small to someone else is magnified for me. And those events buffet me back and forth like the strong wind toying with a small sailboat.

This time, as with all the other times, I started trying to shore myself up. Increasing the exercise, making sure I had books to read and an art project or two to keep myself occupied. I joined the gym because one of my theories was that high intensity exercise would help manage my need for endorphins, which is what was driving my cutting behaviour. 

My stress at work increased and my insomnia returned. I know what's coming, I can feel it, I can almost see the black cloud about to engulf me. I can't shake off the overwhelming, crushing, defeated feeling I have when I am not making head way with my work. I have so much on that I can't prioritise effectively, and I know I'm not spending my energy in the right places. I should be able to handle things, I know what needs to be done and I've no urgent deadlines so no need to stress. But my anxiety is making me feel sick every time I think about meeting a client or picking up a file. I want to double check myself every time I make a decision but I am aware of time pressure - the more time something takes the more cost on the client's bill. So I force myself to go with my instincts. I force myself to walk into each meeting with a smile on my face and pretend the confidence I wish I had.

Things get worse though. I know how important sleep is to my wellness. My basic wellness plan for when things are starting to get bad is eat good food, drink water, get exercise and get enough sleep. When these things start to fall that's when I know the darkness is creeping over my last line of defence.

I go to bed on time. I cook nutritious dinners (though I do eat chocolate afterwards...). I make it to the gym four times a week. I am completely exhausted. But when I go to bed at night I lie there wide awake. Not thinking anything in particular, but not sleeping either. When I do fall asleep I roll around restlessly all night long, unable to get into a deep sleep. 

The less sleep I get the more cranky and depressive I am. Everything makes me want to yell and hit and stomp around, or put the covers back over my head. Sometimes both.
Slow driver? Cue road rage from me. Child not picking anything up or putting it away? Cue yelling from me about irresponsibility and how I should throw it all away. Someone makes a mistake? More rage from me about imbeciles who can't engage their brains. I park too close to one side of the garage or the other? I'm an idiot who can't get anything right. 

I went to the gym after work yesterday hoping the endorphins would kick in and I would feel slightly better, or at least tired enough for a deep sleep. All that happened was that I was too tired to go and get milk and bread, so we had nothing for breakfast this morning. 

The cupboards are bare because I haven't done any grocery shopping. My child is a chronic bed wetter and there are piles of washed laundry on the floor in the lounge as they have fallen from the chair they were on. There is washing hanging on a clothes airer in the lounge and washing on another line in the garage. There's more washing to be washed in a pile by the washing machine, and in a pile in the corner of the bedroom (just to be clear - everything with pee on it is washed every day - it's the other stuff that piles up around it). My kitchen bench is full of dishes, the bin is full, the bathroom needs cleaning, the vacuuming needs doing and paperwork for the last two months is spilling out of the mail rack.

I am hiding from everyone and everything and all I wanted to do this morning was put the covers over my head and close my eyes. I have no desire to do anything. TV doesn't interest me. I can't be bothered reading or drawing. I don't want to go to the gym or talk to anyone. Every day I get up and pretend to be a person. I slap on the face I show to the world which says "I'm doing ok" and I go to work.  

Then at night, when I am tired and my defences are down, thoughts like why bother and I'm no use to anyone creep in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. The depression is just asking me what the point in trying is. When I'm like this and life seems so endless and grey and hopeless, I can't remember the feeling of happiness. Intellectually I know that I was, and it was only a few short weeks ago. But the memory of what that feels like is gone.

So one of the ways I try and remind myself is singing. When I am feeling happier I sing along to my favourite songs. I know it sounds odd, corny even. But my most reliable measure of depression is whether I am singing in the car. If my favourite songs come on and I don't hum along or sing then I know I'm in deep. But I can remind myself what being happy is like by remembering when I have sung. Turning up the music and connecting to it by singing releases something in me.

This is another thing I have stumbled on to by accident but it is apparently used with dementia patients as our brains are hard wired to connect music with long term memory and deep emotional recall. You can read more about this here.

So, I wanted to share this with you all so you can get a sense of what depression can look like. And for those of you with depression, who are also struggling, you are not alone. 

The good thing about knowing this was coming was knowing that it will end. After the stress and the anxiety comes the depression, and then it will pass. That doesn't make it any easier, or suck any less, but it will pass. Hold on till it does.

Kia Kaha