Life admin, abandonment and loneliness

I've had some really up and down days recently. When you live with Borderline Personality Disorder life is very much like a rollercoaster at the best of times, but recently those lows have been very low. I've had days where the blackness has rolled in and I feel severely depressed and suicidal.

I have been pondering on my triggers and there's been a number of things going on for me. One is that I feel overwhelmed by life and all the admin and appointments that never seem to end. The weekly grind of washing and cooking, dishes and supermarket shopping, housework and garden maintenance. I very quickly get overloaded. I lack the executive function to keep my house tidy or remember where I've put anything as I get distracted very easily, but a messy house also really stresses me out. Losing and forgetting stuff constantly is also really stressful. There are days when I don't want to come home because the house is messy and I can't seem to tidy it up. I can spend several hours "tidying" but still not have a clean and tidy house at the end as I tend to deviate off task and get really distracted. And the more I have going on in my head the less likely I am to be able to cope with the basic day-to-day and week-to-week tasks. This end of the year also seems to fill up quickly with my daughter's school stuff, end of year events and birthdays so remembering our schedules and fitting everything in adds more pressure. And yes, I have a calendar with colour coded schedule, plus a note book of reminders, I make lists, I set alarms and reminders on my phone etc. Even with all this 'help' to remember things I still feel overwhelmed and anxious about having too much stuff on my plate.

One of the other things bothering me at the moment is that my nurse case manager left. I tend to get very attached to people and I have a really hard time letting go. This one hurts a bit as I thought she understood that so might have given me an opportunity for a bit more closure. She's been my case manager for about 3 years and we'd had a really good appointment last time I saw her in September. She said she'd ring me in about a week or so as she was going to be away for a few days. And I didn't hear from her and I kept thinking I'd ring but then thinking she might be busy and she said she'd ring so surely she was going to... At the beginning of November I rang her because I was having a really bad couple of days and wanted to arrange an appointment and she told me she'd resigned. I mentioned it to my psychologist and apparently he'd asked her to tell me but she'd forgotten and that was her last day so she's gone. And I feel disappointed and upset. My head knows I was just another case to her and she told me herself straight up when I first met her that it was not her job to be my friend. I had just thought she might say goodbye in person and I feel abandoned. Not great for a person with BPD who struggles with feelings of abandonment most of the time anyway.

My psychologist and I were talking a bit about what I expected from a case manager and discussing options going forward. I mentioned that when I ring them I expect empathy and validation, not necessarily a solution to my problems. Having been through a modified version of DBT I have strategies in place which mean I get through most days mostly ok by myself. But every so often (once a month or so) I have a really really dark time and I need some extra help and that's when I call. Often I get suggestions aimed more at what I'd imagine would help a depressed person, but not necessarily helpful in my situation. My psychologist asked me if I would ring more often if I did get the empathy and validation that I want. I told him that I wouldn't for several reasons, one being that I absolutely hate asking for help, and another being that I hate using the phone lol. But also that I tend not to ask people for help (not just the services but friends and family as well) as I am conscious of not putting too much burden on any one person. 

I have been thinking about that question this week and whether he is right, would I reach out for help more often if that help was more likely to meet my expectations in that moment? Then I came across this post on The Mighty today and this bit sums up what I said to my psychologist last week 

"but I also know loving someone with borderline personality disorder can be overwhelming – to say the least. It’s one thing to have a meltdown every couple of months, but it’s entirely different to live with a disorder as unpredictable and intense as BPD. To avoid “burdening” those around me, I tend to bottle these feelings, fearful of “overreacting” or pushing people away. I know most people won’t really understand, and I don’t want to bother my friends with my third crying spell this week."

The Loneliness of Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

To me, that perfectly sums up why I try and keep my issues to myself on all but my very worst days. Because no matter how empathetic and understanding someone is, supporting a person with BPD is no picnic and I don't want to wear people down or make them resent me. My psychologist is the "last man standing" so to speak of my team of professionals - my case manager having left and my psychiatrist resigned earlier this year (I've had locums the last two times) and I am conscious of not making myself too dependent on his help. I worry that he'll leave like they did, or that he'll get sick of me. 

Constantly having to decide how much of yourself to reveal to others is very tiring. During every interaction with other people I filter what I say, and I try and make sure I don't come across as needy or dramatic or pessimistic or "spiky"/angry/difficult - all of which I have been told I am by others before. Then there is conversations where I could contribute something but it might reveal more about my mental state and how will that come across and will it make the other person uncomfortable. And then there is trying to sort out whether am I talking too much or being too opinionated? And understanding what other people are saying, in words and body language, which is sometimes just as difficult. Not to mention actually hearing people as filtering out background noise is hard for me and sometimes the I don't hear all the words or my brain doesn't get the message fast enough. 

I isolate myself, especially when I am depressed, which is not something I do on purpose. I enjoy being on my own, but its also a relief not to have to constantly monitor myself.  Communication is such a bit part of life as a human but also a massive source of stress for me as well. Sometimes it is easier to be alone, even if I am lonely.

Waving in the dark 

Kia Kaha

Feeling low

This is a bit of a poor me whinge, which I wouldn't normally do but I am feeling really low at the moment.  Hopefully getting typing it will get it out of my head and end up being cathartic.

I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere, like everything is against me. I had planned to work on Sunday, I couldn't log in to my client's server as it was offline. I got up early Monday morning to get some work done and ended up with more of the same IT issues. I lost 3 more hours of work time.

I can't concentrate or keep the house tidy or get myself to bed on time or remember anything. I just feel like somebody has taken my brain and left just an empty shell.

I spent 2 hours yesterday working on something that turned out to be my misunderstanding, and when I started work today I found another mistake I'd made yesterday and had to take time to fix it all up.

I washed G's sheets and mattress protector on the weekend and hung all her blankets out to air in the sun. Made the bed last night and she wet it. So the first thing I had to do this morning was wash the sheets and mattress protector, the same ones I did on the weekend. It's so frustrating. She's 9 and she is getting better at not wetting at night. I have to keep reminding myself that this time last year she was wetting every single night so once every second week is a big improvement. But still so frustrating.

Then she pulled out her shoes from the school trip yesterday and they were caked in mud. So I had to wash them and it's stormy/raining today and predicted to tomorrow as well so they'll take several days to dry.

Got to my lunch break today and I opened the connecting door between the garage and the house and a blackbird flew into the house. It likes to sneak into the garage and eat the biscuits out of the cat's bowl (garage door was open) and I must have startled it. It flew through the lounge leaving a trail of shit on the carpet and walls. Then I spent a while trying to coax it out the sliding door. So my lunch break was spent cleaning bird shit off the inside of my house.

I've been trying to set up my own business as an accountant but if I want to file tax returns on my client's behalves then I need to become a tax agent. That means that instead of having to file a tax return in July, people have till the following March to file. To be a tax agent you have to have at least 10 people signed up who need tax returns done. It's taken me a while to get there as convincing people to sign up with me when I'm not a tax agent and don't have that extension of time till March hasn't been easy. I can't properly run my business without tax agent status, but getting it is challenging because of the minimum client requirement.

I finally got to the 10 client threshold and applied a few weeks ago. IRD rang this morning and said they don't want to accept two of my people as they may not have to file tax returns this year (individuals don't have to file tax returns in this country except in certain circumstances). I think (hope) I have convinced the person I spoke to from IRD that I have other clients lined up to sign with me (not a lie, I have at least 2 more, with a possibility of more) as soon as tax agency is sorted. But again I feel so frustrated that I can't advertise and get clients till I have it but the IRD won't give it to me unless I have clients.

I've got lists a mile long of things to do but things keep popping up and then I spend all my time fire fighting instead of working through the list. I have this weird dichotomy where my brain feels like I'm on overdrive but I also feel like I'm moving through lead. Sigh. Must get back to work I guess.

Musings

I do not tolerate this low mood well. First I want to know what’s causing it, what can be done, how to fix myself. I am motivated at first. I keep busy. I read a lot and go to bed on time and get up on time. The fog deepens and my enjoyment seeps away. I make more effort to spot beauty in every day moments, notice the lone white rose growing on the otherwise barren roadside rose bush, the bird song, the things that make me smile. But each lift is brief, and bittersweet. Like patches of colour on a black and white photo. I feel like I’m missing something. The theories I’ve read should fit together in some way but, the puzzle has been tipped on its end and I can’t see the picture. I feel my failure to slot this together keenly. I would just get better if I tried harder, thought more, was smarter and nicer and all the ‘ers' that aren’t me. 

Perhaps the irony is that I know the harder I try the less likely I am to succeed. The trying puts pressure on me to find the right response. I analyse and overthink instead of using my gut. Last week I had some flow, not a lot, just small patches where I had confidence in myself and trusted my innate creativity to come up with the right path. But knowing it was there makes me push for it, which in turn makes it slip out of my grasp. My brain goes round and round, percolating on ideas and theories of how to solve my chronic health issues, my mental health problems, deal with my ASD and my child’s. As I twist the ideas, trying to pull them together with a common thread, my brain works harder and harder. 

I am started to feel pelted with ideas. I could start this project, do this painting, build this shelf, tidy this up, move this here, get rid of that and buy this. Is this healthy? Am I producing too much waste? Is my heart ok? Is my child doing ok at school? Am I lonely? Will I ever be able to buy a house? Do I want to? Should I buy new socks or would that be wasteful if my other ones don’t have holes but are uncomfortable? Where’s the best place to get socks?.... and on and on about every topic. I feel overwhelmed and then suddenly unable to make even small choices, about what to wear and eat and when to go to bed. And suddenly I’m back to the beginning where I’m not getting enough sleep or exercise or taking care of myself or my house. Then I have to pull it back and start again. Find the motivation to go to bed early and practice my self care. 

Underlying all that is a pervading sense of failure each time the cycle repeats. This time I’ll be consistent. This time I’ll do better. I’ll make sure I don’t fail. And the ever present thoughts of what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even sustain the most basic things for longer than a week. 

Communication

I've been thinking a lot recently about social media and social contact in general. I give myself quite a hard time as I don't respond to messages or initiate contact much. I can see I have an email/facebook post/message/text etc but I often avoid reading them or responding. Even when I really care about the other person. And I am hopeless at initiating contact. I exist in my own little world quite happily. It's not that I don't like other people or want friends, or that I don't care, it's just that I find socialness really hard. Other people's emotions affect me, conversations and thinking about how to respond are hard work, and I am a real introvert, probably bordering on anti-social. 

I also have a really hard time picturing people's faces and remembering what they look like. I suspect this is related to my ASD tendency to avoid eye contact. I often look past people or in their general direction rather than at them. And because I can't see much out of my left eye, if they sit on that side of me all I get is a general impression of them anyway unless I turn my head so my right eye sees them. But even remembering my own family, my daughter, my parents etc is hard for me. I know people's hair colours, and I can usually pick if they've had a haircut. But facial features are hard for me to pull together in my head. My memory of people is usually with blank faces, sometimes with hair. General colours are there, but I can't picture certain features. And interpreting faces and expressions is not my strong point at all. There's some new research being done around this and the role of what's called the fusiform face area in recognising and remembering faces. This article and this article are particularly interesting. 

When I was a teenager, my dream when I grew up was to be a hermit. Preferably living on a remote property in the Coromandel where I wouldn't have to see anyone and I was a long way from anything except a good beach so I could surf as much as I wanted. I had no desire to have anything except peace and quiet. I still have that dream, though owning a piece of property on the Coromandel anywhere near a beach is probably way above my pay grade!

I carry a lot of guilt about not responding to people and messages. Right now I am avoiding responding to two text messages, two Messenger messages, a Linkedin message and at least one email. And that's just social stuff from the last two days. There's other messages I haven't responded to from weeks back. I'm also avoiding cancelling an appointment, emailing G's teacher, emailing an invoice (that one is a must do, I want to be paid!), emailing a potential client, making a doctors appointment.... the list goes on and on. The social messages are important to me, and they are all from people I like and care about. But I have a lot of trouble thinking of how to respond. Some of them want commitments from me, like making a time to catch up. Others just require a response to a comment or question. And the general household stuff just needs doing! But communication is often beyond me.

I think that would surprise a lot of people that know me. It's probably no secret that I am slow to respond to messages, but I feel like my level of procrastination is higher than most of my friends would guess. Maybe not my family though, they know how crap I am at communication! 

One of the things that they expect you to be able to do when you are a psychiatric outpatient is talk to people and ask for help. I however am an expert at avoiding phone calls at all costs. I find it incredibly difficult even when I am not in distress to pick up the phone and ask anyone anything. Add mental distress to that and I am almost a lost cause. Because of that, when I am unwell I don't get the support I need from my case worker and that often makes me frustrated and angry. I don't know how to communicate in a way that will achieve what I need. If I can force myself to ring I never manage to put across what I am feeling, despite rehearsing what I could say in my head dozens of times, sometimes for days before I work up the courage to pick up the phone.

Compounding my distress, often when I am mentally unwell my ability to put words together in a way that makes sense is often diminished. Sometimes my speech is really fast, or really slow and hesitant. Sometimes I stutter and stumble over words. Sometimes I get them mixed up and say day when I mean night, or yesterday when I mean tomorrow. Or I can't remember the words at all. Sitting there, knowing what you want to say but being unable to find the words to communicate so that you are understood, is really difficult.       

When you have BPD and you get frustrated or angry the emotions often come on suddenly, and very strongly. I can go from upset to intolerably angry in about 2 seconds flat, and that will make me do things I regret later. I have shouted at various mental health professionals, been rude and snarky to people, become mute when things haven't gone my way, point blank refused to do certain things asked of me, argued with people, stormed out of meetings, been fired as a patient by a psychologist and 2 psychiatrists, and generally thrown temper tantrums. I am not an easy patient to deal with and I'm not proud of that. All of these things are tied up in my inability to communicate with people, and my extreme sensitivity to anything that could be perceived as an insult or criticism. And once I am angry I tend to give in the the fury and it takes a while to come down from that. 

I think my social behavior, my difficulty in communicating and my inability to remember faces or read them very well are all tied in to ASD. My current theory is that my ASD produced many situations that I did not have the ability to cope with and caused me confusion and overwhelm. I didn't have a diagnosis, didn't understand why I was different and thought there must be major flaws in my personality. On top of that I was overwhelmed and confused much of the time. This, along with some less than ideal circumstances and trauma in my childhood and teens, caused me to develop dysfunctional coping skills which in tern has led to BPD. I also wonder whether the fact that I strongly believed my personality was flawed led me to try and suppress it or get rid of it, leading to the unstable sense of self that is so central to a BPD diagnosis.

I am not sure why it matters to me how I have ended up with the conditions I have. On reflection tonight I feel like if I can somehow find the connection between all of these things, these odd bits of me, then I can get a handle on "how to be me". Like trying to unravel a complex knot, where you feel like if you can loosen it enough you'll be able to find the end of the string and it will all just fall undone. I think I have this hope that one day that will happen and I will magically just know how to cope with my life.

An update

So, I haven't posted for about 6 months now. There's been a lot going on, and one of the things I have had to consider is how much I should be sharing with other people and why I am sharing it. Some of the issues I have also affect other people and it's hard to know how open to be, but also difficult sometimes to write about things when you have to leave out the bits that might involve other people.

December was a really difficult month. I traditionally don't cope well around Christmas time anyway, and 2017 had some family and financial pressure, plus my medication had been decreased which I did not react well to.

My new (at the time) psychiatrist had said that he was of the opinion that I was heavily over-medicated and he wanted to decrease my Venlafaxine dose. I was all for trying this as my ultimate aim is to come off meds altogether as I don't believe they are helpful long term for people like me with BPD. I'd already started decreasing my dose over the previous year with the help of my last psychiatrist, going from 375mg down to 225mg over about a year or so. With my new plan I was to drop down to basically nothing over about 3 or 4 months. 

I'd had terrible withdrawal symptoms with all my previous decreases but managed to get through them. Unfortunately, this time the plan called for dropping by one dose (37.5mg)  and then after a few weeks, dropping by another dose, and so on, and my body couldn't cope by the second decrease. I went into withdrawal which for me always starts with feeling like I am getting some kind of virus. This was followed by brain shocks, headaches, nausea, and dizziness. This was on top of worse mood swings than normal and higher levels of suicidal ideation. I tend to have rages where I know I am being completely irrational but I can't seem to calm down after being triggered. 

My brain often goes AWOL when my meds have been changed, and I was also having trouble stringing a coherent thought together and holding a conversation. Not helpful when you are working and trying to communicate with clients. 

After discussing my issues with the team at community mental health (CMH) my dose was temporarily increased for a few weeks till I re-stabilized, then it was time to try dropping it again. I was pretty worried by this point, given my history, but agreed to try and see what happened. It was terrible timing as the first term of the school year was starting, but there's never a good time to be feeling rubbish so I just had to hope I'd be ok.

A few days in and I was feeling ok, then the onset of the virus type symptoms. By day 5 I couldn't get out of bed and all I wanted was to die. I raged at my daughter's new teacher (terrible first impression) and generally acted like a bear with a sore head, lashing out at anyone who got in my way.

I got pretty desperate and ended up calling my case manager at CMH and asking for a med increase again. Not what I wanted but I just didn't have the strength to deal with all the withdrawal symptoms.

So that was December - February. 

One of the things that struck me over this time is that people generally have a perception that my mental illness is a 'fixable' thing. Over Christmas time I bumped into a number of people I haven't seen for a while, and as you do, you ask each other how you are. Now I never know how to respond to that question at the best of times, because does the person genuinely want to know or is the 'I'm fine' response expected? I usually opt for 'getting there slowly', or 'not great' as they seem slightly more honest than 'I'm fine'. And the comments I get are almost always along the lines of 'But you're better now though aren't you?', 'I thought you'd recovered from your depression, you're back at work', 'you look/sound happy'.

I find this incredibly frustrating though I know it's always meant well. BPD is not something you recover from, and yes I was severely depressed and I have recovered from a major depressive episode but I am still unwell. BPD is a serious mental illness that has a significant risk of death by suicide. 70% of people with BPD will have at least one suicide attempt and about 10% of people with BPD die by suicide (50 times the risk of the general population). I often look well and/or happy because I can be happy. BPD is characterized by emotional instability and pervasive instability in mood, affecting all aspects of my life. My life is a never ending rollercoaster of emotion, where I can be happy one minute and suicidal the next.

I don't blame anyone for not knowing or understanding my condition, I just find it a little frustrating that most of the efforts in awareness campaigns tend to be around depression and anxiety. 

And I guess that brings me back to my reason for sharing some of the things I do. I want people to know what living with BPD is like. I don't think having it makes me a bad person, but I am very sensitive, emotional and impulsive which can lead to chaos in my life and the lives of those around me. More on that another day.

Ka Kite Ano

Suicidal ideation and self harm urges

Warning - this post could be triggering for some people. Helpline numbers are posted at the bottom of the page if you need to talk to someone.

I've really struggled today. Driving home today I had very strong urges to drink (alcohol) and cut myself. When I get like that, that is all I can think about. Those thoughts fill up my brain and I obsess about it. Today I kept telling myself 'this is not how I deal with problems and feelings now' and tried to understand why my brain has presented me with these urges.

A few weeks ago I was dealing with almost constant suicidal ideation. It was painful, indescribably so. How can you tell your support people that almost every waking minute of the day you think about killing yourself? That your head is full of images of you electrocuting yourself in the bath, falling and cracking your head open on concrete, gassing yourself in your car, hanging from the garage rafters, slicing your wrists open, driving your car into a concrete barrier/power pole/traffic, drowning in the sea.... That everywhere you look there is more ways to die. And that you fear that, in a moment of weakness when you are worn out from all the resisting, you will give in to an impulse and do something irreversible. When you spend time with loved ones you feel constant guilt about the thoughts you have about dieing. 

So, I'd been having these thoughts for quite some time, two or three weeks I think, when I began to feel quite desperate. It was really starting to worry me that I might act on an impulse and do something I would regret. I brought it up with my psychologist, which is a lot harder than you might think. Trying to get those words out that I was feeling this way and having those thoughts, the feelings were overwhelming my ability to speak or be coherent in any way. Which is another reason it is so hard to talk to my support people and family about things. When I am unwell I am often so full of thoughts and emotions that I struggle to put together words in a way that makes sense to others.

One other thing that I want to make clear - having these thoughts does not mean rational me wants to die. Rational/wise me knows that I have lots to live for, there are things I enjoy and people I love, and that I just need to hang on for a bit until things get better again. Because they do get better. Unfortunately I do have periods of time where I struggle with suicidal ideation. It's been an ongoing issue for me since my teens. Sometimes it's intense and lasts a day or two, sometimes it's nagging thoughts that are around for months on end. This time the length and strength of what was going on for me was wearing me out.

My psychologist was a massive help. He described my brain as trying to protect me. I have a problem, which is that I was having a depressive episode. This was making me miserable. My brain sees the problem - misery - and provides the solution - death - for me. But what it doesn't understand is that by giving me death as a solution it promotes further misery, as another part of me desperately doesn't want to die. So I have the two sides of me - depression/misery/suicidality, and the love for my family and friends/hope for the future - locked in conflict with each other. The guilt and shame I feel at having these thoughts effectively strengthen them. My negative emotions start to escalate leading to further misery, which causes my brain to further bring forward the 'solution' of death/suicide.

By thinking of my brain as this benevolent force trying to using black and white thinking (ie here's the problem, there's the solution) to help me, I could feel compassion towards myself and it completely changed my perspective on my suicidal thoughts and urges. Now when I get those thoughts I can understand it is my brain just providing me with what it thinks is a good solution to my depression. My brain is trying to help me end my suffering in the most immediate way. And now I have to teach it that life is worth living, even if sometimes it is messy and uncomfortable and it hurts.

In the same way I have worked with my psychologist on my binge drinking and self harming urges. These urges often pop up when I am feeling other negative emotions because over the years my brain has learnt that negative feelings and emotions are intolerable. So it provides self harming behavioural urges as a coping mechanism so I don't have to feel horrible things I don't want to feel. Pretty clever when you think about it. My brain has taught itself that it doesn't like anything negative and that it should get rid of those feelings, emotions and experiences at all costs. Even if that involves harming myself or killing myself.

So today when I was having a rough time with wanting to binge drink and cut, I could tell myself that I must be feeling something I didn't want to feel and that there are healthier ways to deal with my feelings. I'm tuned in to my feelings in that I feel everything x100 - joy, sadness, anger, etc. I know what I'm feeling as I'm usually feeling it incredibly intensely. But I often don't know why, what was it that caused me to feel that way. I find that confusing and alarming in itself, to be confronted by these big feelings and have no idea why.  

Today's feelings were brought to you by..... I don't know. Probably a combination of things. I'm unsettled at the moment as I have been thinking about starting a business. Or studying art. Or tech writing. Or anything else. Or.... And that's the problem. One minute I have an idea and am completely taken with it, researching the hell out of it and obsessed, unable to think of anything else. And the next minute I'm off on another tangent thinking of something else. A million thoughts are going through my head, and while I'm mentally walking through what it would be like to study again, several other concurrent lines of thought are going on - what business would I set up, how much would it cost to fund, could I get a student loan for study, should I give art lessons, how about buying a tripod and making you tube videos..... 

Another thing that's bothering me is something that was said to me about Little G. I agreed for us to take part in a research project being done by a service that supports kids who have parents with mental health and addiction issues. Which is fine, I did my interview, she did hers, all went well. But the psychologist who interviewed Little G made some remarks about how she presents and what her view is on Little G's diagnosis. And I don't quite know what to do with the information she presented me with. It hasn't come from a formal assessment so its an opinion, but it's one that's thrown me into a tail spin as basically it equates to the ASD diagnosis may not be right and there is actually something else going on with her. And that something else should be looked in to.

I'm not sleeping at the moment which is never a good sign. The last week or so, I haven't turned out the light before midnight, and most nights not before 2am. I get up at 7am so it could be worse, but I should really be in bed (light out) by 10.30pm as sleep is such an important part of my self care regime. Problem is that I can't bring myself to follow my self care regime at the moment.....

I'm also bored at work. Which is not good for me either. I need to be mentally occupied and challenged otherwise all the other thinking takes over (effectively what's happened) and my brain goes a million miles an hour in a whole lot of different directions. I have a lot of trouble concentrating when that happens, and I also tend to over think and obsess on things. 

So there's quite a bit swirling around in my brain and I guess maybe the self harm urges are trying to tell me that I am overwhelmed. That I need to try and get some sleep, eat some proper food (not just cereal) and try and stop thinking. Use my meditation and mindfulness techniques to get out of my brain and into my life (got that line from my psychologist lol). The trouble is finding the motivation to do those things when they are the absolute last thing I want to do. I have to just keep telling myself I want to be better so I can be a good Mum, family member and friend. And lead a life worth living.


Suicide - read this first

Coping with suicidal thoughts

If you need to talk to someone:

Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor. 

Lifeline

0800 543 354 or (09) 522 2999

Youthline

0800 376 633

Samaritans

0800 726 666

Family and BPD

My Mum, Dad and sister are doing a course at the moment called Family Connections which is for family of people with BPD. They learn about BPD and they get skills training and support. Dealing with someone like me who has a mental illness is tough and I admire them for being there for me, providing me with support and going along to get further educated, and get some support for themselves.

My family have seen me at my worst. They’ve had to scrape me up off the floor when I am drunk and covered in blood. They have been called the the ER after I’ve self harmed, tried to commit suicide, and taken an overdose. They have visited me when I’ve been in the psych unit. I have called them in tears telling them I am about to harm myself. I’ve turned up on the doorstep so emotional I can’t speak except to cry. They’ve held me as I’ve rocked, and sometimes been beside me as I’ve attempted to communicate with psychiatrists, nurses and the crisis team. They’ve looked after my daughter when I’ve needed help, cleaned my house, done my lawns and helped me get things back on track when I’ve fallen apart. They come over with dinner every Monday night to help me out.

Families get a raw deal. Mental health professionals often put the burden of care back on to families, without giving them any support or explaining the system to them. Families are sometimes limited in the amount of knowledge they are given due to privacy reasons, and they are expected to care for very unwell and sometimes suicidal people. Some of the things they have seen would probably cause PTSD in healthy people. They often exist under chronic levels of stress when the person they love has a mental illness, and I imagine often feel very helpless as well.

BPD itself is a disorder that causes chronic relationship problems. I can be extremely difficult, illogical, irrational, overly emotional and unstable at times. I know my disorder better than most people (I’ve done lots of research), and I still don’t know or understand where it stops and I begin. On top of that I have dysthymia (chronic depression) which means I am basically depressed to a greater or lesser degree all the time. Trying to communicate with me can be like walking on egg shells at the best of times, and I could explode with all of the best intentions from everyone.

This puts intense strain on the family dynamics. I am an adult, and I try so hard to be a complete and competent one. I am in my mid 30’s, I have a child, I have a professional job. But I also need a lot of help and support sometimes, due to my mental illnesses. I get mad about that. I hate asking for help. I try to be grateful that my family are there and that they are willing to help me and do things for me. But I wish that I didn’t have to put this burden on them.

I’m sure that on their side of things they probably feel equally conflicted. How to provide support when I am prickly and difficult, what they are supposed to do with me when I am very unwell and can be incredibly uncooperative, what level of support is appropriate - when to back off and when to help out. How they can have their own lives and be free of some of the stress.

So I admire them for all that they do for me, and especially for committing to 12 weeks of learning more and receiving some support through the Family Connections program.

A couple of helpful links:

Family Guidelines
Helping someone with BPD
For Loved Ones