Suicidal ideation and self harm urges

Warning - this post could be triggering for some people. Helpline numbers are posted at the bottom of the page if you need to talk to someone.

I've really struggled today. Driving home today I had very strong urges to drink (alcohol) and cut myself. When I get like that, that is all I can think about. Those thoughts fill up my brain and I obsess about it. Today I kept telling myself 'this is not how I deal with problems and feelings now' and tried to understand why my brain has presented me with these urges.

A few weeks ago I was dealing with almost constant suicidal ideation. It was painful, indescribably so. How can you tell your support people that almost every waking minute of the day you think about killing yourself? That your head is full of images of you electrocuting yourself in the bath, falling and cracking your head open on concrete, gassing yourself in your car, hanging from the garage rafters, slicing your wrists open, driving your car into a concrete barrier/power pole/traffic, drowning in the sea.... That everywhere you look there is more ways to die. And that you fear that, in a moment of weakness when you are worn out from all the resisting, you will give in to an impulse and do something irreversible. When you spend time with loved ones you feel constant guilt about the thoughts you have about dieing. 

So, I'd been having these thoughts for quite some time, two or three weeks I think, when I began to feel quite desperate. It was really starting to worry me that I might act on an impulse and do something I would regret. I brought it up with my psychologist, which is a lot harder than you might think. Trying to get those words out that I was feeling this way and having those thoughts, the feelings were overwhelming my ability to speak or be coherent in any way. Which is another reason it is so hard to talk to my support people and family about things. When I am unwell I am often so full of thoughts and emotions that I struggle to put together words in a way that makes sense to others.

One other thing that I want to make clear - having these thoughts does not mean rational me wants to die. Rational/wise me knows that I have lots to live for, there are things I enjoy and people I love, and that I just need to hang on for a bit until things get better again. Because they do get better. Unfortunately I do have periods of time where I struggle with suicidal ideation. It's been an ongoing issue for me since my teens. Sometimes it's intense and lasts a day or two, sometimes it's nagging thoughts that are around for months on end. This time the length and strength of what was going on for me was wearing me out.

My psychologist was a massive help. He described my brain as trying to protect me. I have a problem, which is that I was having a depressive episode. This was making me miserable. My brain sees the problem - misery - and provides the solution - death - for me. But what it doesn't understand is that by giving me death as a solution it promotes further misery, as another part of me desperately doesn't want to die. So I have the two sides of me - depression/misery/suicidality, and the love for my family and friends/hope for the future - locked in conflict with each other. The guilt and shame I feel at having these thoughts effectively strengthen them. My negative emotions start to escalate leading to further misery, which causes my brain to further bring forward the 'solution' of death/suicide.

By thinking of my brain as this benevolent force trying to using black and white thinking (ie here's the problem, there's the solution) to help me, I could feel compassion towards myself and it completely changed my perspective on my suicidal thoughts and urges. Now when I get those thoughts I can understand it is my brain just providing me with what it thinks is a good solution to my depression. My brain is trying to help me end my suffering in the most immediate way. And now I have to teach it that life is worth living, even if sometimes it is messy and uncomfortable and it hurts.

In the same way I have worked with my psychologist on my binge drinking and self harming urges. These urges often pop up when I am feeling other negative emotions because over the years my brain has learnt that negative feelings and emotions are intolerable. So it provides self harming behavioural urges as a coping mechanism so I don't have to feel horrible things I don't want to feel. Pretty clever when you think about it. My brain has taught itself that it doesn't like anything negative and that it should get rid of those feelings, emotions and experiences at all costs. Even if that involves harming myself or killing myself.

So today when I was having a rough time with wanting to binge drink and cut, I could tell myself that I must be feeling something I didn't want to feel and that there are healthier ways to deal with my feelings. I'm tuned in to my feelings in that I feel everything x100 - joy, sadness, anger, etc. I know what I'm feeling as I'm usually feeling it incredibly intensely. But I often don't know why, what was it that caused me to feel that way. I find that confusing and alarming in itself, to be confronted by these big feelings and have no idea why.  

Today's feelings were brought to you by..... I don't know. Probably a combination of things. I'm unsettled at the moment as I have been thinking about starting a business. Or studying art. Or tech writing. Or anything else. Or.... And that's the problem. One minute I have an idea and am completely taken with it, researching the hell out of it and obsessed, unable to think of anything else. And the next minute I'm off on another tangent thinking of something else. A million thoughts are going through my head, and while I'm mentally walking through what it would be like to study again, several other concurrent lines of thought are going on - what business would I set up, how much would it cost to fund, could I get a student loan for study, should I give art lessons, how about buying a tripod and making you tube videos..... 

Another thing that's bothering me is something that was said to me about Little G. I agreed for us to take part in a research project being done by a service that supports kids who have parents with mental health and addiction issues. Which is fine, I did my interview, she did hers, all went well. But the psychologist who interviewed Little G made some remarks about how she presents and what her view is on Little G's diagnosis. And I don't quite know what to do with the information she presented me with. It hasn't come from a formal assessment so its an opinion, but it's one that's thrown me into a tail spin as basically it equates to the ASD diagnosis may not be right and there is actually something else going on with her. And that something else should be looked in to.

I'm not sleeping at the moment which is never a good sign. The last week or so, I haven't turned out the light before midnight, and most nights not before 2am. I get up at 7am so it could be worse, but I should really be in bed (light out) by 10.30pm as sleep is such an important part of my self care regime. Problem is that I can't bring myself to follow my self care regime at the moment.....

I'm also bored at work. Which is not good for me either. I need to be mentally occupied and challenged otherwise all the other thinking takes over (effectively what's happened) and my brain goes a million miles an hour in a whole lot of different directions. I have a lot of trouble concentrating when that happens, and I also tend to over think and obsess on things. 

So there's quite a bit swirling around in my brain and I guess maybe the self harm urges are trying to tell me that I am overwhelmed. That I need to try and get some sleep, eat some proper food (not just cereal) and try and stop thinking. Use my meditation and mindfulness techniques to get out of my brain and into my life (got that line from my psychologist lol). The trouble is finding the motivation to do those things when they are the absolute last thing I want to do. I have to just keep telling myself I want to be better so I can be a good Mum, family member and friend. And lead a life worth living.


Suicide - read this first

Coping with suicidal thoughts

If you need to talk to someone:

Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor. 

Lifeline

0800 543 354 or (09) 522 2999

Youthline

0800 376 633

Samaritans

0800 726 666

An update to my post on depression

I know I've already posted tonight but I really wanted to write an update to my depression post last week.

I have been having a really hard time in the last couple of weeks, first with stress and anxiety and now feeling depressed and being unwell with some sort of virus. Work has been hard for various reasons, I've had to take my cat to the vet, we have a problem with the hot water at home, my daughter has a virus causing a full body rash, she's wet the bed every night...the list goes on. Shit happens in life, and it happens to all of us.

When I wrote my last post on depression I didn't really think about who would read it or what your actions would be. All I wanted to do was give some insight into what being depressed looks like. That's its not always the sterotype image of someone clutching their head in their hands and crying. I know I have friends out there who also stuggle, and one of my motivations is to make sure they know they are not alone. That no matter how together someone might look from the outside, we all have our own challenges.

I also find it incredibly hard to ask anyone for anything. One of the things that always gets said when there is general talk in the media or on social media about New Zealand's terrible suicide rate (we are world number 1 for youth suicide - 16 young people per 100,000 die by suicide every year), is that we should make sure people know they can ask for help. Yes, by all means make sure they know there is help available, but making that leap to asking for it is something that I am only just begining to learn how to do, and I'm nearly 20 years older than some of those teens going through this.

I don't know what the answer is, all I know is that I am grateful for the wonderful friends and family I have. Friends like Mrs W, who came over with lunch on Monday bearing a box of food, fruit and eggs so it wouldn't matter if I couldn't go to the supermarket. Or like the people who messaged me and asked how I was, and S who invited me on a bike ride. And my amazing Mum who delivered 3 meals worth of soup, plus scones and french bread for me. My Mum and my sister helped me do dishes and sort/fold/put away washing, my Mum tidied Little G's room and my Dad cooked me dinner. One of Little G's friend's Mums has looked after her for me. I didn't expect the help and support I received but I am incredibly grateful to all of you for your thoughtfulness.

Thank you, thank you, arohanui (much love)

Little G and my mental health

Thank you to all those people who commented on facebook and here about my previous post. It was amazing to get that much positive feedback as I was really apprehensive about putting that sort of information out there about myself. It's a very humbling experience to find so many people appreciate my honesty. I had to think long and hard about whether putting my experiences online was the right thing to do, because I do have a professional job and the stigma is very real. Not from my co-workers (love you guys!) but because I work so hard to present a calm, capable front to my clients and I didn't want to do anything that might cause any of them to doubt my abilities (if they ever find this).

I also have to be cautious on Little G's behalf for several reasons. I am open with her about my mental health as much as I feel is age appropriate. I have to try and make sure she doesn't feel any obligation to try and make me better, or feel happy, or to take care of me. I repeatedly explain to her that I am her Mum and I do my very best to be as stable as possible for her. It is my job to take care of her and provide for her, not the other way around. She loves to do things for me like make me breakfast and she is very aware of when I am not well. She can read the expressions on my face when I've had a bad day better than anyone else I know. My top priority is to make sure she feels safe and loved, every single day.

When I was in hospital in March it affected her considerably more than I expected it to. She was told that I was in hospital, and she stayed with her grandparents and auntie. I didn't want her to come and see me, partly because I was very unwell and I thought that might scare her, and partly because I was worried about exposing her to some of the strange behaviour of the other unwell people on the ward. I had about four days in there, then I was out for a few days at my parent's place, then I got worse and had to go back for another four or five days. She was very worried about me, and she was noticeably sad at school. Her teacher was concerned enough to mention it to me the following week, and several mums also told me she had said various things to their kids about how upset she was that I was in hospital. 

It's very awkward to explain why you are in hospital to people when your child has said 'Mummy has something wrong with her brain' and everyone's minds jump to cancer or brain tumour!! I try as much as possible to be honest, especially in situations like that, because I don't want people thinking I have cancer and I don't want to be embarrassed because my brain was unwell instead of say my heart or my kidneys. But telling another parent or your child's teacher you were on a psychiatric ward is not exactly my idea of fun, and it sure isn't for them either! There's always awkward silence while you can almost see the wheels in their brains turning, trying to work out what to say. My embarrassment is less about what they might think of me, and more about having put them in a position where they don't know how to respond. 

Then there is the inevitable variation on the theme 'hope you are feeling better now' and it's difficult to know what to say to that. It's mental illness and you don't just recover or feel better in a few days or even weeks. I always appreciate the sentiment but if I do my default and say 'yes, much better thanks' it's basically a lie, but the truth is socially inappropriate. This is where my Aspie brain gets a little tangled up in whether honesty and truth should win out over social convention.....

Little G's support worker also reminded both of us a couple of weeks back that kids can be very cruel. She said that it is good to be open talking about mental health, but that Little G needs to respect my privacy and not tell everyone her Mummy has a mental illness. Partly because it's my choice whether to share that, and whom to share that with, and partly because kids can and often do tease children whose parents have mental health issues, saying their parent is 'mental' or worse. Those are two things I hadn't really thought about and I appreciate her reminding us of those issues.

Over the holidays Little G got to attend the holiday program put on by Family Link where she met other kids whose parents have mental illness and/or addictions. They did some fun activities and learnt about the brain and how it works. I think the best bit for her was learning that there are other kids out there living in the same situation as her. Their parent is struggling with similar issues to those I have and they are going through the same things. 

She's still working one on one with her support worker too. At each session she learns about various mental illnesses, the symptoms of my particular one, about feelings, what makes her happy, and what to do when I am unwell. We've put a support plan in place so she knows what will happen if I go to hospital again, and it's been reinforced to her that my mental health is not her responsibility. She seems much more settled and less anxious now so it seems to have paid off.

I seem completely unable to write a succinct blog post to I'll sign off here.

Ka kite ano