The last few months part 2

I wasn’t going to post this but then thought this might give some perspective on how I was feeling back in August. Here goes:


I know I haven't written much recently, but it's not been because I haven't wanted to. I am currently struggling with an episode and it's hard to know what and how much to share. I started this blog to help people like me, to share my experiences in the hope that it might make at least one person feel less alone in what they are going through. And also to increase understanding and awareness of what it feels like to have a mental illness. Stigma is a very real problem and I hope that if more people have understanding and empathy then the shame around having a mental illness will decrease. But, I do have to be aware of the consequences of baring my soul to the world - on my job, my child, and my family. It is a scary thing to expose my innermost thoughts to scrutiny, and I have to hope that by doing so I don't inadvertantly hurt anyone I love.

So, with that in mind, here goes...

I have been very unstable for about the last six weeks. I'm not sure why, sometimes these things happen, but I suspect in this case it was a build up of a whole bunch of stressors. I have job stuff, family stuff, financial pressure, health issues, my daughter's challenges and some personal things going on, and my breaking point is a lot lower than other people's. 

In addition to all that, my latest psychiatrist decided a while back that I was over medicated, and I've been on a plan for the last 6 months to reduce my medications significantly. I'm down from 1400mg of Epilim to 600mg per day, and 375mg of Venlafaxine to just 150mg. I'm completely off Temazepan and Quetiapine now as well. Whether that makes a difference is hard to tell. My psychiatrist tells me drugs are ineffective for BPD, though I have chronic dysthymia which is why I'm still on an anti-depressant. I personally think the Epilim (a mood stabliser) was actually helping flatten out the ups and downs in my mood, but I am willing to try and decrease dosages and see what happens. One of the side-effects of being on so many drugs at such high doses was the massive weight gain I've experienced, at one point I put on 30kg from Lithium in just 4 months (I was on Lithium before Epilim). I'm hoping that with a decrease in dosage I'll be able to drop some of the extra weight. 

Whatever the cause, I've been very unbalanced in the last couple of months. I struggle to sleep at the best of times, and my sleep had got completely out of sync.