The last few months part 3

So here’s part 3

After the major meltdown I had where I hit people and threw myself into the sea, I was still struggling massively with all these feelings. I worked through some of this stuff with my psychologist and tried to start identifying where it was all coming from and why I’d had such a major reaction.

I knew I did not have a good opinion of myself and that made me very dependent on feedback from other people. He helped me see that I felt that I was a horrible person (my core or true self) and I was unconsciously trying to cover this up all the time. I would try and try and then fail and beat myself up for not being good enough. I was looking for external validation, and when I was rejected it felt like my whole world was collapsing because that was reinforcing my core belief that I was a horrible person who didn’t deserve any better.

I don’t like myself much. I often feel like I am playing a part. Like the facade that I present to everyone is a cardboard cut out and I’m just hiding behind it, hoping no one will notice there’s no substance to the part I am playing.

This also contributes to my issues with identity. If you don’t trust yourself or your own opinions then how do you figure out who you are. I feel like I will put on a personality and try it out, adopting the clothes, music, mannerisms etc and then let it go. Like maybe this is who I am, oh no, maybe I’m like this person over here...

But here’s the problem. Knowing this stuff doesn’t make it any easier to live with. And in some ways it only makes things harder because I’m aware of how much work I still have to do. Just because I know I hate myself doesn’t mean I know what to do about it.

As time goes by and my experiences of being rejected get repeated, I build fences around my emotions to protect myself. The more times I’m smacked in the face by how much I hate myself, the more my subconscious does to not have to experience that again. I don’t get close to people. I don’t let people help me. And I certainly do not depend on anyone for anything. I don’t deserve anything from anyone, and other people have only let me down in the past and caused me pain. Better to be by myself.

Yes, I can see what a sad situation this is when I write it down, but it does make logical sense and it certainly makes a lot of sense to my subconscious.

And this is where self harm rears it’s ugly head again. There’s several ways it helps in this situation. I don’t want to feel painful emotions so I do something to cause myself pain. I hate myself, so I punish myself by self harming. And I feel pain emotionally and want to see it physically manifested, and I draw pleasure out of turning emotional pain into physical wounds.

Yes, I realise how unwell this makes me sound. But the drive to self harm is really really strong and this is why. It’s like an addiction. Feel a bad feeling = self harm and it will go away. Hate yourself = punish yourself by cutting and feel a bit better. Cut yourself = get satisfaction from having physical scars instead of pain inside your head.

I’m going to have to write part 4 I think. Still got more to say...