Thank you to all those people who commented on facebook and here about my previous post. It was amazing to get that much positive feedback as I was really apprehensive about putting that sort of information out there about myself. It's a very humbling experience to find so many people appreciate my honesty. I had to think long and hard about whether putting my experiences online was the right thing to do, because I do have a professional job and the stigma is very real. Not from my co-workers (love you guys!) but because I work so hard to present a calm, capable front to my clients and I didn't want to do anything that might cause any of them to doubt my abilities (if they ever find this).
I also have to be cautious on Little G's behalf for several reasons. I am open with her about my mental health as much as I feel is age appropriate. I have to try and make sure she doesn't feel any obligation to try and make me better, or feel happy, or to take care of me. I repeatedly explain to her that I am her Mum and I do my very best to be as stable as possible for her. It is my job to take care of her and provide for her, not the other way around. She loves to do things for me like make me breakfast and she is very aware of when I am not well. She can read the expressions on my face when I've had a bad day better than anyone else I know. My top priority is to make sure she feels safe and loved, every single day.
When I was in hospital in March it affected her considerably more than I expected it to. She was told that I was in hospital, and she stayed with her grandparents and auntie. I didn't want her to come and see me, partly because I was very unwell and I thought that might scare her, and partly because I was worried about exposing her to some of the strange behaviour of the other unwell people on the ward. I had about four days in there, then I was out for a few days at my parent's place, then I got worse and had to go back for another four or five days. She was very worried about me, and she was noticeably sad at school. Her teacher was concerned enough to mention it to me the following week, and several mums also told me she had said various things to their kids about how upset she was that I was in hospital.
It's very awkward to explain why you are in hospital to people when your child has said 'Mummy has something wrong with her brain' and everyone's minds jump to cancer or brain tumour!! I try as much as possible to be honest, especially in situations like that, because I don't want people thinking I have cancer and I don't want to be embarrassed because my brain was unwell instead of say my heart or my kidneys. But telling another parent or your child's teacher you were on a psychiatric ward is not exactly my idea of fun, and it sure isn't for them either! There's always awkward silence while you can almost see the wheels in their brains turning, trying to work out what to say. My embarrassment is less about what they might think of me, and more about having put them in a position where they don't know how to respond.
Then there is the inevitable variation on the theme 'hope you are feeling better now' and it's difficult to know what to say to that. It's mental illness and you don't just recover or feel better in a few days or even weeks. I always appreciate the sentiment but if I do my default and say 'yes, much better thanks' it's basically a lie, but the truth is socially inappropriate. This is where my Aspie brain gets a little tangled up in whether honesty and truth should win out over social convention.....
Little G's support worker also reminded both of us a couple of weeks back that kids can be very cruel. She said that it is good to be open talking about mental health, but that Little G needs to respect my privacy and not tell everyone her Mummy has a mental illness. Partly because it's my choice whether to share that, and whom to share that with, and partly because kids can and often do tease children whose parents have mental health issues, saying their parent is 'mental' or worse. Those are two things I hadn't really thought about and I appreciate her reminding us of those issues.
Over the holidays Little G got to attend the holiday program put on by Family Link where she met other kids whose parents have mental illness and/or addictions. They did some fun activities and learnt about the brain and how it works. I think the best bit for her was learning that there are other kids out there living in the same situation as her. Their parent is struggling with similar issues to those I have and they are going through the same things.
She's still working one on one with her support worker too. At each session she learns about various mental illnesses, the symptoms of my particular one, about feelings, what makes her happy, and what to do when I am unwell. We've put a support plan in place so she knows what will happen if I go to hospital again, and it's been reinforced to her that my mental health is not her responsibility. She seems much more settled and less anxious now so it seems to have paid off.
I seem completely unable to write a succinct blog post to I'll sign off here.
Ka kite ano
